I have been away from this site for over a month, it seems like an age! I have been travelling from Holland to Spain and organising my life. During this time I have been thinking about ‘Male eXperience’, its direction, its future and how it relates to your life. It’s going well and getting recognition around the net. It is doing its job, helping you look at yourself. But is this enough, is this its true focus? Can I focus the site more accurately, to achieve better results, to gain more depth and to help you in a more identifiable way.

In pursuit of this greater focus I see three areas that I need to get clarity on. They are:

What is ‘Male eXperience’ for?

Who is its target audience?

What is the issue that causes the greatest pain?

What Is ‘Male eXperience’ For?

The direction of ‘Male eXperience’ has always been towards help and education for you. It’s aim is to demonstrate how you, as a man, can behave in this modern age, how you can be with yourself and how you can relate to women. There plenty sites that can help you understand how to dress, how to be a dad, how important sports are or even how to date a woman. What I think is needed is help for you on how to improve yourself as a man and how to relate to women.

Most men experience emotional pain, I know I have been there. What we find difficult is expressing that pain and seeking help for it. We know we want to change, we just don’t know how. It is my intention to show you how, what you need to do to become the man who lives the life you seek.

Does this align with your view? Is this why you come to the site? What am I not seeing? How can I improve what the site offers?

Who Is Its Target Audience?

In my mind I am speaking to two men.

• You are in your 30′s, you do not have a relationship and are looking for one. You are trying to establish yourself as a man and finding that what you relied on in the past doesn’t work any more. You find that your upbringing hampers your growth and you are unsure about who you are.
• You are in your 50′s, you have are in a long-term relationship which you find is not working any more. You don’t know whether to move on or try a new approach. You are looking for ways to change your view on who you are. You find that your approach, as a man, is wanting and you are looking for a new way.

This does not exclude others of you who can still find help and guidance. Do you fall within these categories, are you getting the help you want?

What Is The Issue That Causes The Greatest Pain?

This is perhaps the crux of what I am doing. Isolating this will open the way to helping thousands, perhaps millions, of men. I am currently looking at two issues:

• When you do not feel you are showing up as a man in the world and do not feel that people respect you. There is a level of presence and certainty that establishes men as as ‘masculine’, when this is not there for you the effect can be devastating and can cause you great pain. Usually this situation results from a your upbringing and education rather from any innate lack in you.
• When you find it difficult to relate to women. You either cannot form lasting relationships or you find that the ones you do have are painful or destructive. This usually stems from a your view of yourself rather an inability with women as such.

Have you found these areas painful? What has hurt you? Where is your pain now?

Focus on Men Survey

To help me understand who I am speaking to and what the issues are that most exercise you I have attached below a short survey for you to complete. This will give me vital information and help me help you. It will only take a few minutes.

Thank you completing the survey, your contribution will not only help ‘Male eXperience’ but also men worldwide. If you have any further comments either on the survey as a whole or on the general issues raised please use the comments below.

(Note: If it doesn’t appear it’s because you have already completed it!)

Technorati Tags: certainty, education, emotional pain, pain, Power, Presence, Relationships, women

The Clash’s famous song is a cry heard from many men, “Should I Stay or Should I Go?”. They don’t understand their woman, they don’t know what she is thinking. They are confused because she won’t make her mind up. For them it’s her place to decide, they are waiting for her.

But she is a woman, she needs certainty from the man, not the other way round. What does he want? Will he be there no matter what? If she is unsure will he just go? It seems that is the case.

It is important to look at the situation from a woman’s point of view, men! Can you ever sit down and think what it is like for her, what she needs from you?

A great post from Stage Two, “Try Again” talked about this. He says it is great to get,

“Rare honest advice from a hot young woman who realizes that her reflexive rejections may be weeding out good men.”

He is referring to the song from Aliyah where she lays bare her thoughts on mens’ reactions to her indecision.

“Would you give up or try again / If I hesitate to let you in”.

This is the fear of women, that if they hesitate the man is off. They need more than this, they need a man to be sure of himself and what he wants.

So what about you, can you be this for your woman?

Try again

What would you do to get to me
What would you say to have your way
Would you give up or try again
If I hesitate to let you in
Now would you be yourself or play a role
Tell all the boys or keep it low
If I say no would you turn away
Or play me off or would you stay, ohh, oh

And if at first you don’t succeed,
Dust yourself off and try again
You can dust it off and try again, try again
Cos if at first you don’t succeed, first you don’t succeed
You can dust it off and try again
Dust yourself off and try again, try again

I’m into you, you’re into me
But I can’t let it go so easily
Not till I see what this could be
Could be eternity or just a week, oh
Ay, yo our chemistry is off the chain
It’s perfect now but will it change
This ain’t a yes, this ain’t a no
Just do your thing, we’ll see how it go, ohh, oh

And if at first you don’t succeed (yeah)
Dust yourself off and try again (again)
You can dust it off and try again, try again (yeah)
Cos if at first you don’t succeed (ooh)
You can dust it off and try again (try again)
Dust yourself off and try again, try again (yeah)

Said you don’t wanna throw it all away
I might be shy on the first date
What about the next date
Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh
Said you don’t wanna throw it all away
I might be buggin on the first date
What about the next date
Ohh, ohh, ohh, ohh

And if at first you don’t succeed
Dust yourself off and try again
You can dust it off and try again, try again
Cos if at first you don’t succeed (first you don’t succeed)
You can dust it off and try again
Dust yourself off and try again, try again (again, again)

Technorati Tags: aliyah, certainty, Men, the clash, women

What does it mean to be a ‘Man’? How can this best be described? What is a ‘Man’?

Let’s clarify a few definitions and lay out the ground.

Male:

It means the gender that produces young by fertilising eggs. It is a biological term which has no connotations to it. It is a simple and straightforward definition of gender.

For male and female alike, the bodies of the other sex are messages signaling what we must do, they are glowing signifiers of our own necessities.
(John Updike)

Man:

Its oldest meaning is ‘of the human race’, although some regard this as sexist, it is what the word meant in Middle English. In a narrower sense it has also come to mean male and an adult male with associated qualities, such as courage or virility. There are many other shades of meaning but the general accepted one suggests qualities beyond a straightforward gender definition.

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
(Martin Luther King)

Maleness:

The properties characteristic of the Male Sex. These are generally biological properties associated with gender.

How beautiful maleness is, if it finds its right expression.
(D H Lawrence)

Manhood:

The state of being a man as distinguished from a child or a woman. Incorporates manly qualities such as  courage, bravery and resolution.

Battle is the most magnificent competition in which a human being can indulge. It brings out all that is best; it removes all that is base. All men are afraid in battle. The coward is the one who lets his fear overcome his sense of duty. Duty is the essence of manhood.
(George Patton)

Masculinity:

This is the key definition. Masculinity is traditionally considered to be characteristic of a man, it is the trait of behaving in ways considered typical for a man. Obviously many people have different definitions of what they consider to be Masculine, all influenced by their personal experience and their culture.

In ‘Male eXperience’ I focus on Masculinity and formulate a definition through the body of my writing. Yes, it is my personal view, but it is one born of experience, one that has been tested in the world. Yes, it is influenced by the western, patriarchal culture I live in, but it is looked at with objectivity to give it a wider applicability. Importantly it has been tested with Women with strong support.

Masculinity is not something given to you, but something you gain. And you gain it by winning small battles with honor.
(Norman Mailer)

So although you are a Male, you may not be a Man; you have Maleness but your Manhood may not yet be there. The development of your Masculinity may be lacking and may be causing you problems. If this is the case how do you proceed?

One way is to come back and read this site regularly, over time you will see a picture emerge that will give you directions to follow. Another is to enroll in my mentoring scheme and let me help you. Yet another is to find your own path.

Finding your own path is something I did, it took time and there were many dead-ends on the way. This may be the way you want to go, you may want to find your own interpretation of masculinity, your own approach to the culture that put you where you are as a man. To do this more generally is a bigger task, changing culture is not easy. You need to think carefully about how you think about men and how you respond to men; working with men.

It is not about throwing out the value of traditional masculinity. It is about finding new definitions and role models. You need to reinforce the message that you can be whatever you want to be, and not blame the culture.

We all need role models, mentors, to guide us. I have recently been reading ‘Aikido, Living by Design’ by Mitsugi Saotome. He is a highly respected teacher of Aikido in the US who passes on the lessons of his own teacher, Aikido’s founder. Aikido is a martial art with an emphasis on love and protection. It teaches compassion yet it’s techniques are potentially lethal. Students of Aikido train in self-defence but also in a way of being in the world. Its lessons have have to do with the very nature of one’s relation to the world.

Talking of the Warrior’s Way, Saotome Sensei says,

“The warrior does not hone his skill by deadening himself to the world. The warrior’s art is based on developing heightened awareness of all sensations. … The warrior’s spirit is the struggle for life, spiritual as well as physical. The warrior will not accept a spiritually dead existence.”

Aikido requires creativity to learn how to take care of things and how to fight hostile forces. We must take responsibility for ourselves. These are great lessons for men seeking to find their true masculinity, seeking to off-load the conditioning from the past and become re-awakened men.

I recently watched the film ‘The Last Samurai’ with Tom Cruise. It is an inspiring film that shows us a different way, a way to connect with ourselves and truly understand our connection with others and with ourselves. The film shows all the traditional ‘mansculinity’ of fighting, killing and aggression, but underneath it shows how to recover from a dead existence, how to find your determination and certainty and how to see your own power and strength.

So how do you see yourself as a man? How do you see your masculinity? What do you need most as a man? What is your vision?

Technorati Tags: aikido, Male, maleness, man, manhood, martial art, Masculinity, mitsugi saotome, samurai, the last samurai, tom cruise

There are three men Tom, Dick and Harry, let’s look at how they react to women.

Tom found that women usually lost interest in him. They started off feeling attracted to him, then when they acted ‘moody’ he saw it as a sign that he need to fill an emotional need in them. He filled that need, becoming their emotional punchbag. The women became aloof and were, eventually, repulsed by him. They walked away.

Dick found his relationships crashing and burning. When they acted ‘moody’ with him he just walked away, he thought that if a woman doesn’t want to be with you, that was that. They don’t know what they want, no point dealing with their unpredictable behaviour. He saw intimate relationships as a power-play of status, sexual rights and control. He walked away.

Harry had a secure long-term relationship and found women constantly interested in him. When his woman acted ‘moody’ he listened and gave her the space to talk. He stayed true to what he felt and ensured she understood that. He was confident in himself and was not affected by the wild emotional swings he was experiencing. He knew what was good for them and was open and straight with her, even if it ‘hurt’ her. They stayed together

All three men had the same advantages in terms of looks, wealth and other ‘important’ issues, so what’s the difference in their behaviour, given that the women initially acted the same way each time? The difference is in how they reacted to female testing, that reaction resulted in the dramatically different results.

What is female testing?

In a recent post, Pleading Does Not Hack It, while talking about the failure of a man’s relationship through too much pleading, I said’

“Finally I just want to say a quick word about female testing. They will always do it, as long as you are together. Women need to trust their men and the only way they can be sure you are trustworthy is to constantly test it. Look for it and love it. If it upsets you, you are finished, try becoming a monk instead.”

A women is attracted to a man who is in control of himself but not controlling, to her the most unattractive trait in a man is insecurity. A woman has a constant need to know where she is with a man, she needs to feel safe, to feel excited and to feel free.

A major feminine characteristic is trust. She needs to trust her man, totally trust him, with her emotions, with her life. Only when a woman can trust a man will she surrender to him, will she love him. Unfortunately men are not good at showing emotions, they tend to keep things hidden, they tend not to talk very much. So it’s no use a woman asking a man about this, the best she might get will be a shrug. So testing is the only proven method that gets results, that shows the truth, that reveals the sub-conscious motives of a man.

Why do women test men?

Men all know that women test them all the time, women can’t help it. But why do they do it? There are a few simple reasons:

1. Defence Mechanism

   She needs a man to know that he can’t take her for granted, she is not a push-over. She needs a man to show that he can respect her. She wants a man to see that she has standards and that he has to meet them.

2. Screening

   She needs to find a man that she can’t take for granted, he is not a push-over. She needs to know that she can respect him. She wants to see how strong emotionally he is, how smart he is.

3. Need for Re-assurance

   She wants the certainty that a man cares for her and wants to protect her. She wants to know that he is trustworthy and that she is safe surrendering to him and his love.

4. Love

   She wants a man to know that she loves him, that he is important to her. Only a man she cares for and wants in her life is worth constantly testing.

5. Ego Inflation

   Sometimes a woman tests because she enjoys making a man uncomfortable, because she can. Men ask for it by getting nervous and uncertain. Ultimately she wants a man to reveal himself, particularly if he is not uncomfortable is his masculinity. This is not meant cruelly, but to help the man see who he really is and what he needs to do to become worthy of her.

6. Abandonment Complex

   This is a serious issue that needs to be treated with care by a man. It is a psychological trait that a woman has stemming from abandonment by men, usually starting with her father. Often nothing the man can do will satisfy the inability of the woman to trust the man. It is not solvable by the man (men, don’t try to solve it!) and needs professional help.

How do men react to testing?

The more a man passes a woman’s test, the more intimacy he achieves with her, the more he is trusted by her. Women want a man who is in control of himself yet slightly out of control; a confident, independent man who excels in life. This is because a woman ultimately surrenders herselvf to a man who she believes to be ‘the one’. If a man doesn’t understand this then he can create chaos in a relationship. As we saw at the beginning a man can fall victim to the testing or get angry with it. Either way he fails. He can, however, take it in his stride, be a rock, be sure of himself and let her swirl around him. The he passes. There is no control involved, just openness and freedom, on both sides.

Tom Dick and Harry.

So what about Tom, Dick and Harry. By now you should have worked it out. Tom is needy and falls victim to her tests, he fails because he has no inner strength that enables her to trust him. Dick is angry and doesn’t respect women, he fails because he will always be fighting her. Harry treats her with respect but also respects himself. He passes because he is strong and certain, she can trust him because he trusts himself.

What am I to do?

Best to just accept that women do and will test men. Be aware of it when it happens and deal with it in a way that gains you authority and understanding in the relationship. Personally, I see it as a supreme act of love. I become nervous when I am not being tested by my partner. She loves me and she wants to show it, she wants to feel safe with me, she wants to know if I love her.

Technorati Tags: certainty, Female, Love, Male, Men, Polarity, relationship, safety, security, testing, trust, women

It’s published!

The first in the series of eBooks ‘men and..‘, is ‘men and.. Male Energy‘.

It is important to me to set out what I see is at the root of masculinity. In Male eXperience I seek to guide men into re-awakening their masculine core. There is a need for men to re-connect with their core, becoming grounded and certain.

This eBook is an introduction to the world of men and masculinity, as I see it. There are many good men in this world but not enough who appear to be confident in their masculinity. By this I mean men who know who they are, what their place in the world is and who can take anything the world throws at them. Men who are grounded and who stand like rocks while the world swirls around them. Men who are focused and determined, who achieve their vision.

The ebook lays out what masculinity is. Read it and see what I mean.

This ebook is free. I ask that you sign up to the email list so I can keep you in touch with developments.

If you like it? Please spread the message! Send it to your male friends. Give it to your Partner (if you are a woman). Review it. Quote it. Use this link, malenergy.com, help me connect to those reading it.

Whatever you do, it’s time to start taking control of your life.

Start taking ACTION towards making your dreams a reality.

Share this message, show your support for my work to re-awaken men’s core on Facebook & Twitter!

To get the eBook just sign up below or go to Male Energy!

Read and Enjoy!

Technorati Tags: ebook, grounding, Male Energy, Masculinity, Men, men and, Presence

This is my look at what there has been on Men on the Internet in May. There is not as much as there should be that looks at Men’s Issues in a serious and enlightened way. It is my intention to promote what there is to help us all reach a wider audience. If you know of anything interesting that I have missed please highlight it in the comments.

This month I feature Jayson Gaddis, The Good Men Project, Primer Magazine, The Art of Manliness, Citizen renegade and The Art of Non-Conformity.

Jayson Gaddis has announced the Evolving Men’s Conference. It’s Purpose Statement is “To bring together leaders of various men’s organizations to brainstorm the development of an Evolving Men’s Conference that galvanizes the men’s movement, promotes collaboration among different men’s organizations, and evolves the consciousness of men around the world.” A pre-conference will be held in Boulder in September 2010 with the main conference in 2011. This is definitely something to get involved in, I will be there.

The Good Men Project is looking for Bloggers for it’s forthcoming Online Magazine. As they say, “On June 1st, 2010, The Good Men Project will also be a full online magazine. And…here’s where you come in…We’re looking for bloggers — any interested writers — who want to be a part of the project.” Contact them and get writing. This is an important project.

Primer Magazine has an article worth reading on “The Secret to Having a Commanding Presence“. Antwan McLean says, “Nothing can ever take the place of presence. The world is simply a reflection of the energy we put out from within. Consider the fact that it is impossible for someone to know your history at first glance. You don’t walk around with a resume taped to your chest announcing your finer points to the world. People are drawn and respond to the physical energy you display.” Presence is absolutely essential to a man’s development, read more about and start working on it.

In The Art of Manliness, Brett and Kate Mackay get down to describing “What is Manliness?“. They say, ” So my definition of manliness, like Aristotle’s and the Romans, is simple: striving for excellence and virtue in all areas of your life, fulfilling your potential as a man, and being the absolute best brother, friend, husband, father and citizen you can be. This mission is fulfilled by the cultivation of manly virtues like: Courage, Loyalty, Industry, Resiliency, Resolution, Personal Responsibility, Self-Reliance, Integrity, Sacrifice.” I agree with so much of this and I feel that we need to spend more time outlining the qualities men should strive for.

Citizen Renegade has a fun piece of “Beta or Herb?“. I don’t agree with the Alpha obsession of this, and similar, blogs, but, nevertheless it does have some interesting stuff to say, from time to time. His description of a ‘Herb’ as, “a schlumpy, nondescript white guy with no fashion sense, chin, or sexual gravitas, who has managed to hook up with a cute chick” has a resonance.

Lastly in The Art of Non-Conformity, Chris Guillebeau talks about “How to be a Motivational Speaker“. Chris does not write on Men’s Issues but more gneerally about how to take on the world. This article focuses on Passion, “You can’t just BE A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER. No one likes that shit. What you should do is BE PASSIONATE ABOUT SOMETHING. Show up and talk about something you give a damn about. Your passion will be motivational in itself.” He is definitely worth reading.

I hope you enjoyed the articles and would like to see more of this type of writing. Let me know in the comments what I have missed and what you would like to see in June’s edition.

Technorati Tags: manliness, Masculinity, Men, Passion, Presence

Wow… It gives me goosebumps just thinking about this… It’s such an important subject. We really need to get it right, men. So much hangs on this, so much flows from it.

I was privileged to hear a conversation in which one woman was telling another that she was upset that her man had just broken up with her. The reason he gave was that she kept taking control during sex. He said he couldn’t take it any more. She was, obviously, upset by this and was fearful of doing anything about it. She was afraid of where things would go if she wasn’t in control, she was afraid of losing that grip on herself. She said this left her confused.

Thinking about this I became angry with the man involved, with his inadequacy, his inability to be a man.

Let’s wind back, look at this situation and think about it calmly. Let’s look at sex and control.

Last year I attended a workshop in Pune, India, with my partner, Cheta. In the final session we worked together to explore our dark energy. The idea was to find and unleash it’s power and see where it went. This was scary stuff for us, but it was something we wanted to explore and come to terms with. We knew that to become completely free in our relationship we had to be sure of what might happen if we lost control. Losing control is a fear we all have. Will we become abusive? Will we collapse? Will we still be ourselves?

It was playful at first but as we went deeper we pushed each other and let go of our inhibitions. The leader came over to us to check we were OK, she was afraid we were hurting each other. No we weren’t, we were having the most amazing time of our lives.

We learned about masculine presence/grounding and feminine trust/surrender. The balance took us deep into our relationship and gave us both strength. Cheta, being physically weaker and the woman, grew in her pushing and testing of me. I took everything she threw at me and gave her more back. She went further, let go and gave me all she had. I took this and gave it back to her. I gave her the freedom to go wherever she wanted but never relinquished control. I could take it, and give it back. I remained grounded and present, nothing threw me off.

Cheta’s trust grew and she let go completely, relinquishing control. She was no longer afraid of where she might go, she could truly trust me to take it and not to lose control myself. I could give it back, tempered with the knowledge of my own strength and the potential hurt I could inflict. I could hurt her, but didn’t.

The power of the dark energy has remained in our relationship and made it strong.

When we come to sex between men and women the same situation applies. A man can create a space of allowing the woman to go where she wants, whether it is controlling or submissive, but he retains the ability to take it and give it back. In this space the woman can trust and surrender and totally let go. They both enter a place of trust and presence where they can fully explore themselves and their relationship. The man can take whatever happens and not feel inadequate. This strength, presence and trust creates an electric situation.

Returning to the man we looked in the beginning, we see that he was unable to go there. He was unable to trust his own presence, strength and power, unable to take what was coming to him. The woman was testing him, pushing him to find out where he was, how he would react. She was taking control because he didn’t. She wanted him to take it back, not through her weakness, not through her becoming submissive, but through his own power and presence.

He retreated into his own weakness, he relinquished his masculinity, he got out of the relationship. He blamed her for the situation, he made her responsible for the breakdown. She was taking control, women shouldn’t do that, women should know their place! What rubbish! A man should know his place, a man should be capable of knowing himself and his strength. A man should be grounded and confident. A man should understand his responsibility. A man should be present and trusted by the woman, trusted to go further, to not go too far and trusted to take whatever she throws at him.

Men, are you up to this? Men can you take it, no matter where it goes? Can you give it back with power, love and compassion? Can you create the space where a woman can go wherever she wants? Can you be grounded and present? Can you be a man?

Technorati Tags: dark energy, Masculinity, sex, weakness

I am awake early, she is still asleep. I get up, avoiding waking her. Start writing. All’s quiet, time to get into my flow.

She wakes, comes out all sleepy-eyed, says good morning, gives me hug. I tell her about what I am doing and carry on.

She’s in the kitchen, fiddling with some stuff… “Shall we have breakfast first?”. “Hmmm”, I say, concentrating, “before what?”. “Before we start”, she says.

Silence from me, I’m focusing.

“Shall we have breakfast first?” she says again!

Slowly, ever so slowly, it dawns on me. “Come here”, I say, “Sit down”. “Ooh”, she says, “Two commands, I don’t know which to follow!”.

I close my computer and hug her and say no more! We go back to bed, this time to wake up properly!

The questions? They aren’t important, they are just seeking attention. I was focused and not paying her any attention. I had started my day before she woke up. We didn’t wake up together and start afresh.

A woman needs attention all the time. If she’s not getting it she will find a way. Questions are a good technique.

Guys, you can ignore the questions, but don’t ignore her. Give her the attention she needs. Life will be transformed.

Technorati Tags: Attention, Female, feminine, focus, Love, Lover, Male, Polarity, quiet time, relationship, silence, Sleep, woman needs attention

No, not by keeping it in the fridge, you want it hot not cold!

I was talking about my relationship to a female friend, talking about men in general and how they just don’t step up. She loved what I had to tell her, “I am in awe of the radiance of your relationship”, she said, but she still did not understand how to keep an exciting relationship at its initial level over time.

My answer was simple, “You need to start afresh every day. Treat every day as if it was the start of the relationship”. “But how do you do that?” she said.

That, of course, is where the simplicity ends. The eXperience starts before the relationship does and it starts with the man and his presence. Male eXperience is not intended to be a relationship or dating site but when talking about showing up as a man it becomes impossible to leave relationships out of the equation.

So here is a quick, 10 step, run-down, for men, on how to get it going and keep it fresh.

1. Treat your partner as a goddess.

Because she is, otherwise why would you love her? If you don’t know how to do this then just think of everything you do as a form of worship. Make all you rinteractions sacred, you’ll soon get the message from her responses.

2. Be fully present.

When you are with her let everything else go, she is the most important part of your world. Focus on her and show that you can take anything she does without flinching.

3. Don’t make assumptions.

If in doubt, ask. You will often be in doubt, because you won’t understand what is going on in her head. That’s OK as long as you don’t assume you know what’s going on and get it completely wrong. To her that shows you haven’t been listening.

4. Understand the power of polarity.

Relationships thrive on polarity. The polarity of a masculine man in his core and a feminine woman in her core is electrifying. Keep the polarity at the forefront of the relationship and do all you can to encourage it. Believe me you will enjoy it.

5. Look your best.

Act as you did when you were first going out. Look at how you dress, how you present yourself. She wants you to behave as you did in the beginning, she wants you to keep the excitement there. Don’t become a slob!

6. Take the lead.

Men often let their woman take the lead and decide what to do. That is so wrong. Always take the lead in making decisions but ensure that you give her the space to have her say. The best is if you make the decision to do what she wants without appearing to. That’s a winner.

7. Remember she needs constant attention.

This is the absolute number one in being with a woman. Much of what she does is, in fact, to remind you of this. You can never give too much attention. If in doubt just do it.

8. Don’t take it personally.

Never, ever take anything she does, or says, personally. It is usually about something going on in her head which has nothing to do with you. While she is the most important person in your world, she is in her world. Let her be and don’t get beaten down, it’s not about you.

9. Never just say goodnight.

I really shouldn’t have to say this! Let any difficulties go at the end of the day and hold her in your arms. Give her your love and tell her you love her. Do it again in a different way and repeat. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you where to go from here.

10. Start afresh each day.

Start again as if it was the first day of the relationship. Take the ideas in the previous stage and expand on them. Welcome her into your world and look forward to your day together. Give her your love and tell her you love her. Do it again in a different way and repeat. I’m sure I don’t have to tell you where to go from here.

Sometimes it can seem overwhelming to put all these into practice at once. If that is the case then just introduce them one or two at a time. Remember to start afresh each day no matter what happened yesterday. The past does not equal the future.

If in doubt just give her constant attention.

Technorati Tags: energy, essence, feminine, focus, masculine, Polarity, Presence, women

Cheta has written on Trust and Surrender in Female eXperience. The post is about an experiment we carried out recently where she wanted to fully experience the two feminine characteristics of Trusting and Surrendering. You should read her post to understand what she went through and where it took us.

Here I want to look at my perspective and talk about what it meant for me to fully experience trust and surrender from a woman.

I see trust as one of the most important feminine characteristics. It is, however, one that only appears when the man proves trustworthy. It starts with the man, as it always does. The man has to show what he is made of, how certain he is and how consistent he is. Only when the woman fully believes him and sees his truth will she start to trust him. Along this road she will, continually, test him to see if she can shake him, to see if she see behind his behaviour. I have written on testing before, and feel that this is the greatest expression of a woman’s love for a man.

When Cheta suggested her working with total trust and surrender during a trip we were making I was anxious to understand what she really meant. We had been having some issues with her accepting my lead and organisation and I felt unsure, occasionally, as to whether this was just about her and control or whether it was also about me. I avoided showing this uncertainty to her, that is not what a man does. I was keen to experiment with this, I wanted her to see how capable and willing I was to lead and support her.

It started out, from my perspective, as a disaster. She seemed to intervene more than usual and destroyed my attempts to guide her through the many challenges with ease and panache. Was this me or was she really just incapable of trusting me and treating me like a man. The next day I got angry and told her how it was destroying me as a man. It’s fine for a man to take the lead and just let what the woman does wash over him. He can show his strength and certainty no matter what she does, but the fact that she won’t trust him eats away at his insides. Eventually, something starts dying. For the relationship to work it is important that both parties are involved and that, as Cheta says, there is polarity. One side is not enough.

Cheta saw what was happening, both to her and me, and started to let go. Once this happened the flow was amazing. It wasn’t that I felt in control, it was that we complemented each other perfectly. We each had a role and we no longer had to think about it and work out what needed to be done. To cross a busy road was easy, I watched the traffic, took her hand and went. She took my hand and trusted. We felt like one being.

A man needs to feel like this to fully embrace his masculine essence. It’s not enough for him to take it, the woman also needs to give it to him. I see so many examples of couples where this has failed and the relationship has died.

There was a young couple at the station in Kuala Lumpur. She pushed forward with a bound volume of all their tickets and itineraries to seek help from the ticket collector. He hung back looking lost. No trust and not a sign of surrender, only control. I am sure she was good at it, but her man was dying in the process.

There was the elderly couple at O’Hare airport in Chicago. They were, wrongly, in the security line. When they approached the escalator an attendant stopped them and sent them to the check-in line. She lead the way, he almost looked triumphant that she had got it wrong. But where was he? He had long ago given up. It’s what many men do. They get tired of fighting their woman and give up. She, of course, fills the gap and assumes complete control.

Men think the only alternative is domination and abuse. Sometimes they go there, but usually they see that as wrong.

There is a better way and that is to be strong and certain and to help your woman, through your presence, certainty and consistency, to see what is happening. That is not to persuade or plead with her, just show her what works for you and help her to see that a balance is necessary. Show her what polarity means, be a man and help her to trust you.

Technorati Tags: authenticity, certainty, energy, feminine, masculine, Polarity, surrender, trust, women